Paris

The Worst ‘Cooking With Paris’ Recipe: I Made Unicornoli

To truly commune with Paris Hilton and better understand her show, I wanted to cook along to what stood out by far as her worst-looking recipe.
Photo: Netflix

Here is a list of words that the 40-year-old human with a cooking show Paris Hilton doesn’t know. Or — and this is more likely — a list of words she pretends she doesn’t know for the sake of an extended character bit:

Chives
Tongs
Broil
Cotija
Garnish
Zest

On her six-episode Netflix reality series Cooking With Paris, Hilton wears her aughties Simple Life performance like an extremely loose glove that’s constantly slipping off and getting yanked back on by force. It would be less distracting if she committed to her nu-bimbo ditz, but every time she forgets it, switches into her natural register, then catches herself and strains her voice upward to croak about “sliving” (slaying + living, duh) again, it just gives me shock waves of empathetic exhaustion. This half-commitment to the familiar Hilton-as-character act extends to a problem with the show at large: a half-commitment to recipes, to celebrity-guest conversation, to production, to entertainment.

Oh, loose-glove metaphor aside, Hilton also wears a lot of actual gloves — fingerless ’80s Madonna-style ones. They’re typically ornate and bejeweled, and she usually tries to stretch latex gloves over them anyway to handle raw ingredients. As with an old condom on Prince Albert, I worry about the structural integrity of that whole situation. This isn’t quite as aggravating as her

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I made the recipes from Paris Hilton’s Netflix show ‘Cooking with Paris’

I’m standing in my tiny kitchen with blue slime all over my hands watching Paris Hilton strut around on screen in her much larger kitchen. She’s wearing couture — an extravagant pink dress with a huge bow on the bum — and I’m wearing Madewell, but we’re both in the same predicament. 

“My sliv gloves!” she moans, trying in vain to scrub neon-colored marshmallow off her pink lacy fingerless gloves (“sliv” is short for “sliving,” Hilton’s newest catchphrase that is a combination of “slaying” and “living your best life”). 

This is “Cooking with Paris,” the celebrity heiress’s latest endeavor: a Netflix cooking show built on the premise that she’s absolutely no culinary wizard, but hey, she wants to learn. 

Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian cook brunch in the first episode of the new Netflix show "Cooking With Paris."

Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian cook brunch in the first episode of the new Netflix show “Cooking With Paris.”

Courtsey of Kit Karzen/Netflix

On the show, Hilton invites friends like Kim Kardashian and Demi Lovato over to her house to make a meal while dressed to the nines. In each episode, three things are guaranteed: Hilton will wear an impractical outfit, she will say “sliving” too many times and she will be confused by at least one cooking tool or ingredient. 

“What does ‘zest lemon’ mean?” she asks her phone’s virtual assistant in one episode. 

“Excuse me, sir, what do chives look like?” she asks a grocery store employee in another episode. “What do I do with it?”

Paris Hilton cooks dinner with Nicky Hilton Rothschild, left, and Kathy Hilton, middle, in the new Netflix show "Cooking With Paris."

Paris Hilton cooks dinner with Nicky Hilton Rothschild, left, and Kathy Hilton, middle,

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